I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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