If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
