Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
