I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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