this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
