i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
