I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
