I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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