your parents love me but you hate me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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