the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize