i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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