my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
