I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The air was thick with penises
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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