First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
People in love make me want to vomit
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
