we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You ever have a fart follow you around?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
