There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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