I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
