i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
