umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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