I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
