I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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