I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
