I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
