I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
