i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
