I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
