North Korea, Best Korea!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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