i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize