Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
