This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
