If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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