it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
