my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
