Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
