i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
