Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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