Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
