I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You took a bar mat shot.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
