so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
