well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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