and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
