You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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