a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
