I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
