just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
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