I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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