I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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