I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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