Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
