ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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